If you have ever lost a loved one, endured the breakdown of a marriage, suffered betrayal, or faced challenges like miscarriage, illness, or natural disasters, you understand that adversity spares no one. Life consistently brings unexpected difficulties, and how we respond to them shapes who we are.
On the TED&Talk YouTube channel, Dr. Lucy Hone shares three strategies that have helped her become more resilient. Below is a summary of this powerful video:
A journey into resilience
I began studying resilience a decade ago at the University of Pennsylvania. It was an extraordinary time, as I was trained by professors responsible for preparing 1.1 million U.S. soldiers to become mentally tough, not just physically strong.
But my biggest test did not come in a lab or classroom. In 2014, a car accident took the life of my 12-year-old daughter, Abby, along with her best friend and her friend’s mother. In an instant, I transitioned from being a resilience researcher to a grieving mother.
At that time, advice from experts offered little comfort. Materials on “The 5 Stages of Grief” or reminders that it could take years to heal only made me feel powerless. What I needed was not bleak predictions but hope. I decided to apply the resilience research I had studied to navigate this tragedy myself.
Three resilience strategies
1. Accept that suffering is a part of life
Resilient people never believe they are immune to hardship. They understand that suffering is an inevitable part of life. When I faced challenges, instead of asking, “Why me?”, I told myself, “Why not me?” This mindset freed me from feeling singled out by adversity and allowed me to focus on confronting reality.
2. Focus on what you can control
Our brains are wired to focus on negativity—a survival mechanism inherited from our ancestors to detect danger. But in today’s world, this tendency can lead to chronic stress. Resilient individuals learn to shift their attention to the positive aspects of life.
For example, after Abby’s death, I made a conscious effort to find things to be grateful for: that Abby passed away instantly without prolonged suffering, and that I still had two sons who needed me. Moments of gratitude helped me maintain emotional balance during those dark times.
3. Ask yourself: “Is this helping or harming me?”
This simple but powerful question became a cornerstone of my decision-making after Abby’s death. Would attending the court hearing for the driver who caused the accident help or harm me? I chose not to attend. When I found myself spiraling into painful memories, I reminded myself to stop and focus on self-care instead.
Lessons from grief
Resilience is not a fixed trait; it is a skill anyone can learn. It does not erase pain but enables us to coexist with it meaningfully. If you are facing a loss or challenge that feels insurmountable, consider trying these strategies.
Life is never easy, but we can learn to live and grieve simultaneously. And for that, I am profoundly grateful.
More about Dr. Lucy Hone
Dr. Lucy Hone is a resilience expert who found her calling in supporting people recovering from the Christchurch earthquake. She could not have anticipated that her personal journey would take her to an even darker place. In this powerful and courageous talk, she shares three strategies that helped her overcome unimaginable tragedy and provides deep insights into human suffering.
Dr. Hone is the director of the New Zealand Institute of Wellbeing & Resilience, a research associate at AUT University, a published academic, bestselling author, and contributor to Psychology Today, Sunday Star Times, and Next Magazine.
She trained at the University of Pennsylvania and earned her PhD in public health from AUT University in Auckland. Dr. Hone has helped organizations ranging from elementary schools to top law firms design and implement well-being initiatives that create meaningful and sustainable change.
Watch the full video HERE.
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